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Dahil sayo, natutunan ko ang sining ng pagpapanggap.

Na habang nariyan ka, ilang metro lang ang pagitan,
nakatayo sa harap ko na tila walang namagitan,
ay kinakailangan kong magpanggap na hindi humihiyaw ang puso ko
sa isang statwang kagaya mo.

Natutunan kong umiwas sa mga mata mo na tila walang pinapahiwatig,
na tila walang bakas ng panghihinayang,
sapagkat halata pa sa sikat ng buwan ang pagmamahal ko
sa mga buwisit na matang ito.

Dahil aminin na natin, kahit sa simula pa man,
ay wala ka na talagang binibigkas.
Wala ka nang minamarka sa bato.
Walang kang dinedesisyunan.
At wala kang sinugal.

Kaya’t pinipili kong huwag kang tignan dahil habang walang sing hirap itago ang sinasabi ng aking mga mata ay walang sing dali sayo.
Dahil alam kong sa isang iglap ng pagdaan,
malalaman mo na may kulang dito,
na may blankong ayaw magpatalo sa panahon, sa lahat ng oras at pagkakataon,
na may hungkag kang binuo,
dito sa pagal at walang pagod na pusong ito
na gusto ko nang patayin nang higit pa sa minsan.

Ngunit ang pinakamalupit sa mga bagay na inukit mo sa puso ko,
ay ang katotohanang hindi mo alam na sabay kong dinadala ang bigat ng pagibig at pasakit ng dahil sayo.

Wala kang alam, at hindi mo man lang inalam.

Na patuloy at tahimik kong tinitiis ang hirap na hindi na kita nakakausap.
Na tila bumalik tayo sa dalawang magkaibang mundo,
walang pakialam at mga estranghero.

Subalit dinedesisyunan ko, na ito ang tama, na ito ang dapat.
Na putulin ang anumang nagdudugtong sa atin para maisalba ko ang sarili ko.
Araw araw, dinedesisyunan kong mahalin ka at huwag kang mahalin.
Na mahalin ka sa malayo, kung saan matatanggap ko nang tuluyan,
na ang pagmamahal ko sayo ay nagsimula at matatapos sa pagmamahal ko sayo.

Sa pagmamahal ko lang sayo.

P.S. Sana masubukan ko talaga to nang live. 🙂

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  1. Set your expectations appropriately. I don’t mean to become such a pessimist, but more of a realist. When you set your expectations on your future, make sure it is grounded on the floor. But with enough wheels for you to chase after what you want. And fast.
  2. More often than not, the things you think will happen to you won’t be the things that will actually happen to you. So be prepared for the curveballs, the upsets, the blind spots, so that when it comes, you will have enough balls to pick up where you got slammed.
  3. This early on, try to really figure out what profession you would enjoy. Not what would bring you lots of money, or not what is trending, but actually think of a job that you will not leave even if you wanted to. They say you don’t have to like your job. Even if sometimes you don’t like it, you love it enough to stick to it.
  4. Same goes with the people you love. You don’t have to actually like them all the time, they might even annoy the hell out of you. But you know that you will love them still. So decide to keep the right people around. The kind that will believe in you. The kind that will listen to every ridiculous thing you could ever say. The kind that will not use or abuse you. The kind that will be happy to grow wrinkly old with you and laugh at it.
  5. Learn to invest for your future. This is boring stuff I know but it’s necessary if you want to be more secured later in life. Study financial options that you can take. And do them as early as you can.
  6. You can actually accomplish everything you want to do. Nearly everything, those that are actually feasible. You carry the potential to achieve your aspirations. There would be a lot of things that may impede you from doing it, especially yourself. But if you think about the possibilities that your potential can actually propel you to, that should be enough motivation for you to be brave. And become all those things you have been meaning to become.
  7. There is no loss in trying out different things. This is where you will build your experience. This is when you can form the many charming, endearing facets of your personality. It’s like branching out, it’s like leaves growing from your stems. And you can decide what leaves they are with those deliberate acts of experience.
  8. Don’t let fear creep into your age. As we get older, we tend to just settle for what’s comfortable. We silently allow fear to stop us from risking because we like things steady. And we’re old now, steady is convenient. It’s nice to be secured. But make sure that it doesn’t rule your whole adult life.
  9. If you don’t like reading, watch movies that will provoke, enlighten, and bang the wisdom out of you. If you don’t like movies, converse with people who will add something worthy to your brain or heart. You need these tools, these external learnings aside from your own experience. It will expand your perspective. Lessen your self-woes and self-absorbedness. And make you more worldly. More into the real groundbreaking stuff that human life is made of.
  10. The best and worst are yet to come. So take it all in. Get ready. Get excited.

Welcome 2015!

It’s another new year. Every year I would write a new year’s post to start off the year right and to remember the year that was. And every year, I would hope for something greater, better and more meaningful for the new year. I guess everyone of us wishes for the same thing.

The past year taught me a lot about myself. There is often a belief that when you turn 30, you start really getting to know yourself. And being comfortable with who you are. Not caring so much about ridiculous things which bothered you when you were young. And I’d like to believe that this is true. I guess, when you grow older, you get to discover more about yourself. And though I already feel older than 30 (I always tell people this and they would wonder why), there is still a whole lot more to learn, to understand, and to unravel even when you feel like you’ve already carried so much in this life. I’ve always said that I don’t assume to know everything and I never will, and that speaks true until the end. Because what we’re really here for is to constantly make new discoveries, to explore unchartered territories and maybe gain a whole new appreciation of what life really is and should be.

I cannot begin to tell you how I wish to make these new experiences every day. And so for this year, I would like to tell myself to take more chances. Even the little ones that do not really look like one. Because I think they’re the most fun things you could ever really do. That when you sum them up together, they would really brighten up your year. I hope to travel the world as always. To feed this hunger always boiling inside of me. My feet are just way too itchy. Traveling thus far always seems to be the peak of any given year.

I wish to take more initiatives in helping people. I wish that I would have more time to do this and the courage to start anew and by my own. Helping others is what truly gives meaning to my life. Whether it’s in teaching others, giving my time, or just sharing what I have, I hope I’ll be an instrument to serve others. To give back for all the blessings that has been bestowed upon me.

I hope to stay grateful even with all the sorrows and pain in this life. At the end of the day, even when I weep, complain, or feel down, I cannot ever take away how He has guided, taken care and blessed my family. I thank you Lord for getting me through all those years and giving me hope when I had lost it. Thank you for not giving up on me when I had already given up on myself.

And with everything I have gone through, I hope to continue to love myself. It hasn’t been an easy road, people always see their inner flaws. And I have learned that I have been doing this for all my years, and it took me time to know that I can only burden myself for being too critical of myself. One of my favorite TV characters once said that, as you grow old, you learn that you cannot really change who you are, you just begin to learn to accept it. I believe that we have the chance and the power to make those changes for the better but the core of who we truly are is already there just waiting for our own realization and acceptance. I hope to see the good rather than the bad side. To take it easy and not be too harsh on myself, for who else would? To forgive myself. To learn from my mistakes instead of punishing myself for it. To give myself an opportunity to rise and appreciate my strengths as well as recognize my weaknesses.

And so to anyone or everyone who wishes for a great new year ahead, let’s make this new year a beginning for ourselves. To not take life so seriously. To laugh at ourselves. To cry when we need to and pick ourselves up after it. To be comfortable with what we want, what we can do, and those things that we are not. To feel immense happiness in moments just because we can and we deserve to. To give ourselves chances even when we have screwed them up in the past. To let our guards down and just be. To move forward with less anxiety and fear. To not lose hope that incredible things are on their way, just waiting for the right time. And to smile because we know that God has entirely made a plan for our lives even when we feel most unsure, insecure and doubtful.

I pray for all these good things to come your way. And here’s to a year we won’t forget.

A lovely and meaningful 2015 to  you, may this year fill your heart with joy, gratitude and love. 🙂

 

The Wallpaper

To you who’s been invisible, I want you to know that you are not alone.

We all know her. That person who sits by herself on a crowded corridor. The one who speaks but was never heard. The one who dresses up nicely for an occasion but never gets the attention. The one who walks the hallways but was never greeted by anyone. The one who blends in the crowd too much that she drowns. And the one who seeks to be remembered but fails to do so.

You know her. I know her. At one point, I was her.

There’s no great surprise that some of us don’t really leave a lasting impression on others. Or even a first one at that.  With all the myriad of personalties surrounding us, how could everyone be noticed by everyone? There are times when these ‘invisibles’ get used to where they stand in the world. Maybe because they have their own world which does not fit any mold or the ones they consider to be rightfully ‘visible’ in the circle they live in. Sometimes, they scream just to be accepted by the people who may not be even aware of their cries. Yes, human beings can do that without even knowing it. They are so intent on making their own lives the center of the world that they could inadvertently leave out some other centers. And why the hell would they not want that, right? After all they’ve got only one life–their life to live.

Being invisible in certain situations is what other people could want. Especially when they don’t really want to be the center of attention. I have never really felt out of place until recently, but when I remember those years growing up, I could consider myself not really wanting the spotlight. Which has been good for me since I like spending time alone or with just a tight circle of friends. You can say, the sidelines were a good friend growing up.

I went through highschool and college being normal. My big sister was, in contrast, quite the more popular one, I suppose. And I enjoyed that because she was really more of the outspoken, friendly, and larger-network-type-of-gal. I even remember one instance when my own classmate knew my sister and was surprised to learn that she had a sister in her own batch. I actually laughed at it, felt a little embarrassed but eventually just let it go. Because it didn’t really matter that much.

In college, everything went as normally as it could be. No limelight whatsoever. You see, I was never really the type who came to class with a bang. I was mostly quiet. And I was never used to putting on makeup, dressing up, or being loud. As the years went by, I didn’t really feel all that left out. I had good, solid friends. A family that laughs at my jokes. My own dreams to be fulfilled. And my own personal dilemmas to even worry about being invisible.

That was until it happened to me. It was an experience that taught me so much. I learned that what human beings utterly crave for is simply to be heard. We live in this world so that our voices can be heard. Our presence to be felt. Maybe not by all people but definitely at least by some. In that situation, I felt like I really did not exist. I was not missed or remembered. I actually at one point even stopped trying because maybe a little part of it was my fault. But at the end of the day, it really hurt. Which I guess is the same pain felt by all those invisibles out there trying to feel important in one way or another. Human beings have that need for their existence to make a difference, even by a little especially to those people who are dear to them. We were born so that our thoughts, feelings and actions can somehow have an impact on others. And that is the plain truth of it all.

Maybe we were all meant to go through this to learn. Even though we act a certain way towards others, it doesn’t mean we can expect them to act the same. We have to learn that not everybody is going to accept our energy or enjoy our personality. And that the bigger lesson is to accept that they cannot accept us. There is a reason for that. I understood the reasons. And understanding is a huge part of accepting it.

So to you, like me, who has carried the invisibility cloak at one point in your life, believe that there is a reason why others would do exactly the opposite. These are the others who will make you feel visible. The others who will take the time for you to feel missed. The others who cannot wait to hear your voice. And these people, you have to find them. You don’t really have to search that far most times. These are your people. So smile, because you have your ‘others.’

Be grateful you went through it, because it has made you more compassionate. More understanding and aware. And that it has made you more determined to be heard. So speak up. Dress up. Stand up. Because, even if you do not feel or believe it, you matter.

 

Hi Guys!

You can have the chance to win a signed copy of my book, Amazed, by entering in my Book Giveaway in Goodreads. Amazed is a collection of inspirational essays and short stories on the wonderful facets of life.

https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/92075?utm_medium=api&utm_source=giveaway_widget

Closing of entries is on August 3, 2014.

Join now!

 

About the book

Life is nothing as it seems.

And yet its simple but profound wonders are the core that makes human existence all worth it.

In this candid collection of essays and short stories, the girl with the infinite pursuit brings to light her insightful, heart-tugging, and seemingly ordinary moments in the chase to unravel the exquisite marvel that is our lives.

Published by: Isshin Dream Publishing
Photo by: EdCel Photography | Maricel and Ed Dijamco
Cover design by: Joanne Crisner V. Alcayaga
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18761381-amazed?from_search=true

Amazed by Joanne Crisner V. Alcayaga

“Bend your knees more.”

A voice from behind me echoed throughout the covered court. I thought I was the last person out here; after all, it was past seven in the evening already. The court was usually empty around this time. I decided to push myself a little further by staying behind to practice my freethrows and jump shots. After our epic semi-finals victory last Tuesday, our school’s women’s basketball team can define history by winning the championship this coming Saturday after waiting for 47 years in the sidelines. It had truly been a much anticipated event after this long and quite embarrassing draught. We had to make sure that we will bring honor to the school this time, and pride as well for the team. I had to make sure of that. Shannen Dela Vega, you better bring home the bacon or else I don’t know what I’ll do to you.

I turned around to see whose voice it was, though I already had a pretty close guess. His voice seemed to be everywhere. “You think I don’t know that? I’m just resting.”

“Of course you do, you’re the captain, right?” Tristan Marquez, my equal from the men’s basketball team teased, as always. I can’t pin-point what it was, but every time he was around, my buttons get pushed. My temper just flares up. Or maybe I know the exact reason why. I just didn’t want to acknowledge it.

For three consecutive years, Tristan Marquez has brought the highest glory to our school more than anyone we knew by winning championships year in and year out with his innate talent. The crowd goes wild for the guy and the Men’s Wolves. The girls go gaga over the so-called hunk of the town. Our school newspaper always reserves the headlines for them. The school will do anything and everything to fund whatever they need or at times want. While, we, the Lady Wolves were treated like the scums of the school, just scraping off the left-overs. I know, it’s a bit exaggerated but that’s just the reality of what I feel. Well that is, until last Tuesday. The day they finally noticed us.

“Yeah, I am the captain. But all hail the King of the Court!” I had to retaliate somehow.

“Why do you keep on doing that?” he asked, with a tone of exasperation. He walked closer and picked up a ball, dribbled and a whole in one from the three-point line.

“Keep doing what?” I distanced myself. Yes, I didn’t like the guy that much for all the fame and favors he received, but still, I didn’t want him to smell me. I stink after hours of practicing.

“You make it seem like I’m always the bad guy here. I didn’t do anything to you or your team. I didn’t ask the principal to give us that budget. Why are you blaming that on me?” he kept on shooting without breaking a sweat.

“Who says I blame it on you? I never said it was your fault.” That was sort of true. I try not to voice out my opinions directly at him because it would just turn into a whole debacle, and the tricky word there is “try.” But more than that, I really can’t blame the guy for playing so well.

“You didn’t have to.”

I stopped short from shooting and just looked at him from across the court. There was a certain look in his eyes, seemingly questioning, genuinely wondering what he did wrong. Why we ended up being quite the rivals.

Then, he slowly walked away, giving the court all to myself.

“Hey!” I called. “Why did you come here again?” I asked before he could close the doors on me.

“I wanted to wish you good luck this Saturday.” He said with a lopsided smile.

*****

To read the rest of the story, go to http://www.wattpad.com/50797362-the-player-and-the-pretty-dress.

My first venture into Yong Adult Fiction and Wattpad! 🙂

A Love Letter

“You love me unconditionally. You accept me. You understand me. Even my unreasonable fears and moods. You love fully more than your heart can take. You make me feel beautiful even when I feel like crap. You do the sweetest little things without knowing it. You sing to me and I could feel your heart, see your aches and depths in your eyes, inhale your screams and fears and hopes. You kiss my hand like it is the last thing you long to do. You get me without me saying anything just by looking at me and how I move. You lift me up. Especially when I’m at my lowest. And remind me to let go, worry not, and just enjoy the moment. To not make things so difficult for me because it’s as simple as it can get. You make me see the world as it is. As it should be. And make me smile to my heart. And make me laugh with your wit, unaffected sense on life, and when you just challenge me so I would eventually fold. You dance with me and I feel loved in that moment more than I ever did in my life. You look at me like I’m the only one in the room. And your eyes they sparkle just for me. You care for others more than yourself because that’s what brings you joy. You are a kid at heart. And you’ll forever be. You have this loud voice which can be irritating yet funny at the same time. You have changed me. Subtle but meaningful to me. You believe in me. You are totally opposite from me. And it works because I learn. I feel needed with you. I know the real you and I feel so lucky. I can read you. I am more me with you. I love you.”

~an excerpt from a modern day love letter~